Who Do You Choose to Become When Alone

If there's anything I've learnt in these hurting times, it is how bruises crept into me, unawares, unannounced. Here I am one day, coping up famously, and the next minute I've collapsed within myself, in a paroxysm of uncontrolled depression. Without raising a thought, I'm  hurt grievously. The world just doesn't understand. Nobody can see a hurt - hence I can't be.

 

Whilst, in the meantime, I am sinking, sinking, in a morass of undefinitions. There's no end to the depth, there's no recognizable sign of what drags me in,  what is the nature of climate change that it is both a famine and a flood, where I'm empty and swollen, where I want to grasp whatever I can, as if it's the last straw of the world, and when unable to hold anything, I just let myself go. I rage and cut myself, and break glass, and hurl myself where there is empty space, I can visualize the worst and know it's the end of the world for me,  I don't expect understanding, I don't expect help, I don't recognize help, I know my life to be in the hands of something without definitions, unloved, unappreciated, hung in the middle of nowhere where nobody visits, a place of abandonment, where only the rejects reside - me, me , me.

 

And I ask myself, why am I needed? What am I worth to anybody? Why is a life of value, why is anything of value? The flowers, the breeze, the insects, the eagles, the flies, are paraphernalia to create a world of falsehoods, where everything is marketed, and everything sold is instantly useless.

 

And I say why do I exist, why do I live, why am I here, what can I contribute, what do I matter. What do I matter? What do I matter?

 

And I tell myself goodbye. I'm not sure if I appreciate myself leaving myself alone. But that's the only place left to go.

 

If you liked this poem, consider listening to these other poems on loneliness and desolation -  

• The Improbability of Wishes
• The Final Goodbye (or Why Lovers Decide to Die Together)
• Lost Atlas of Belonging

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Get in touch with me on uncutpoetrynow@gmail.com

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The details of the music used in this episode are as follows -

Blockbuster Atmosphere 3 (Resolution) by Sascha Ende®
Link: https://filmmusic.io/song/130-blockbuster-atmosphere-3-resolution-
License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

Sometimes by Sascha Ende®
Link: https://filmmusic.io/song/142-sometimes
License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license